Owls, Watchdogs & Possums
Understanding the Brain Behind the Behavior: What’s Really Going On When Kids Melt Down
A big part of my work with families and children is helping parents make sense of their child’s confusing behaviors. So often, the behaviors we see on the surface are just the tip of the iceberg—and underneath are complex biological processes that drive how our kids respond to the world around them.
One key concept I often share is neuroception, a term coined by Dr. Stephen Porges. Neuroception is our brain and body’s subconscious system for detecting safety or danger. It’s not something we think about—it’s something we feel. Our nervous system is always scanning: What’s happening inside me? What’s going on around me? How are the people near me acting? Based on these cues, our body decides how safe we are—and then it responds.
Sometimes, when a child seems to be struggling for no clear reason, it’s because their neuroception has picked up on something that feels threatening, even if it doesn’t make logical sense to us. That’s when their behavior might seem perplexing. But here’s the important part: All behavior makes sense when you understand the nervous system—and whether the child is in fight, flight, or freeze.
One of my favorite tools for helping parents recognize these states comes from Robyn Gobbel, author of Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors. She uses a great metaphor to explain what’s happening in a child’s brain:
Owl Brain is calm, regulated, curious, and open to connection.
Watchdog Brain is activated when the child senses danger. These kids might get loud, restless, or visibly upset—classic fight-or-flight behaviors.
Possum Brain is the freeze response. These kids tend to shut down, withdraw, or go quiet. They may appear okay on the outside, but inside they’re overwhelmed.
Even though I’ve been reading about this for years and Mona Delahooke’s books have been my bibles, Robyn’s framework adds a new way to talk about this with kids and families. In our home, I’ve learned to recognize when one of my kids is in Watchdog mode—they’re restless, outwardly expressive and anxious, and I usually know something’s wrong. But when a child slips into Possum brain, it can be much harder to notice. These kids often keep their worries close. Too many questions, too much pressure—they shut down.
And with Possum kids, less really is more.
I’m learning to slow down, say less, and hold space. One of the most powerful lessons I’ve taken from Robyn is the phrase: “Wait, with certainty.” That has become a personal mantra. When I notice signs of Possum brain, I resist the urge to ask a dozen questions. I pause. I offer warmth without pressure—maybe tell a story from my day, or just sit near. Eventually, when they feel safe again, they open up.
It might take minutes. It might take hours. But the connection always comes. Because beneath the behavior, there’s always a reason. And when we learn to read the signals—not just react to them—we help our kids feel safe, seen, and understood.
